Creature Features Part 4

A Horse, of Course

The Right Honourable Owl had a lovely deportment –

In fact he was once a Member of Parliament,

But because he wouldn’t take part in any dirty tricks

He was forced to resign from the world of politics.

Now, a year into his compulsory retirement, he thought

He would spend some time with his friends at The Court.

He hopped into his car and left the smoke of the city,

Singing as he drove a chart-topping ditty.

His car was a highly-polished and elegant machine –

It had one previous owner – a mouse called Maureen.

Buzz-Ard and Tur-Tel would be impressed, he thought,

When his car pulled into the drive of The Court.

But when he was deep in the country he heard a strange hissing,

Which was odd because the car had just had its annual servicing.

Another mile down the road and the car let out a shudder,

And it came to a halt with an almighty judder.

Owl stepped out of the car in a bit of a tatter

And lifted the bonnet to see what was the matter.

Steam rose from the engine and into his face,

As he stood looking forlorn in this isolated place.

He might have seen the tangles of wire and cable

If he hadn’t left his glasses at home on the table.

He was very long-sighted, and that was a fact –

A clear view of the engine was all that he lacked.

He stared blankly at the pipes and the wires and the pump,

Until a loud voice behind him made him suddenly jump.

“Your problem,” said the voice, “is your radiator cap’s missing –

And that is what’s causing that horrible hissing.”

Owl fluttered his feathers and hooted in fright,

But when he looked around there was no-one in sight.

When his heart calmed down he resumed his inspection,

But the voice came again – this time with inflection.

“I’ve told you your problem – your radiator cap’s missing –

And it’s that that was causing the horrible hissing.

Your engine may look to you like the landscape of Mars,

But trust me – I know a lot about cars.”

Owl looked round again in a state of vexation

To see who was imparting this technical information.

He was in the middle of nowhere, on a road lined with gorse,

And the only thing in sight was a massive white horse.

Owl thought for a moment and then decided to speak,

“Err – is it you who is talking?” he asked with a squeak.

“Of course it’s me,” said the horse with a nod of its head,

“I’m very pleased to meet you – my name is Ned.”

“But horses can’t talk,” said Owl, “it’s an impossibility.”

“Well, we can,” said Ned, “and we do it with such civility.

We are educated and clever and often have conversations

About history and psychology and other such diversions.

But my Uncle Dobbin was a very fine mechanic

And he taught me how to fix cars – so there’s no need to panic.

Now,” continued the horse, “as I told you before,

Your radiator cap’s off and it’s there on the floor.

Replace all your water and put the cap back on tight

And when you start up your engine it will sound just about right.”

“But I’ve got no water,” Owl said with alarm.

“Don’t worry about that,” replied Ned with great charm.

“I’m famed in these parts for the water I retain,

So step away from your vehicle while I take careful aim.”

Ned filled up the radiator from at least fifteen metres

And when he had finished it had taken twenty litres.

Owl was impressed and said, “Your aim is so true.”

“My pleasure,” said Ned. “Besides, I really needed the loo.”

Owl stayed on for a while and they both had a chat –

They talked about this and they talked about that.

They talked until the sun was about to go down,

When Owl suddenly declared, “I’d better head into town.”

Ned said, “Now that I know you I feel really delighted,

It’s my birthday on Saturday and you’re cordially invited.”

Owl jumped into his car and started the engine,

Then waved goodbye to his new-found companion.

He drove into town to the Dog and Duck pub,

Where he ordered a drink and a plateful of grub.

He took a sip from his drink and started a conversation

With Ollie the bar-owl (who was no relation).

“You’ll never guess what happened to me,” he squealed,

“My car was repaired by a horse in a field!”

Ollie let out a gasp and the pub fell into silence.

“It’s true,” said Owl, “and he gave me good guidance.”

Ollie was speechless – but after some time

He asked, “What was the colour of your mechanical equine?”

“He was white,” said Owl. “Why, is something the matter?

You are worrying me with your pessimistic chatter.”

“Just one more question,” the bar-owl said,

“This horse – did he call himself Ned?”

“Why, yes,” said Owl, “that’s the name that he gave me –

He topped up my radiator in order to save me.

It was empty and required a full twenty litres,

And he filled it from a distance of at least fifteen metres.”

“You were lucky,” said Ollie, “because on that stretch of track

There’s another white horse and his name is Jack.

His methods are archaic and completely impractical,

And he’s absolutely useless with anything mechanical.”

Everyone sighed and resumed their conversation

About what they’d been watching on last night’s television.

They all immediately forgot about Owl’s adventuring

Because, to be honest, it was not very interesting.

Owl passed a Beagle who was smoking at the bar –

He said his goodbyes and went out to his car.

Outside in the night it was rainy and dark,

But he found his car eventually in the gloomy car park.

As he drove past the Red Lion pub down on the right

A bump in the road gave him a bit of a fright –

But he knew the car’s chassis was toughened and hard,

So he carried on driving to see Tur-Tel and Buzz-Ard.

He was happy he was visiting his friends at The Court,

Who would be waiting for him with a bottle of port.

But better than that – much better by far –

Was meeting a horse who knew everything about cars.

Next week: A Fight in the Night