Creature Features Part 3

The Lizard’s Dislike of Gizzards

Buzz-Ard once had a wife called Mrs Buzz-Ard,

And being married to her was incredibly hard.

She want her husband to buy her everything on sight,

But he wouldn’t – and she thought he was terribly tight.

She wanted Buzz-Ard to buy her a boat

And perfume and jewellery and a leopard skin coat.

A new fur coat would have cost him a packet

So, instead, he bought her a donkey jacket.

“What’s this monstrosity?” Mrs Buzz-Ard gasped.

“An animal skin coat,” he replied, “just like you asked.”

And so after their after acrimonious divorce

Buzz-Ard went to live with Tur-Tel at The Court.

Now Mr Buzz-Ard and Mr Tur-Tel

Were loaded with money and doing quite well.

They always did everything for their own pleasure

And regarded themselves as gentlemen of leisure.

They lolled about idly at the well or the yard

Like two Viking gods in their home at Utgard.

But this tale’s not concerned with Buzz-Ard or Tur-Tel –

It’s about their servant – the lizard – the stately Nigel.

Tur-Tel had instructed him to go to the shop

To buy some more food for his cat, Lollipop.

So Nigel put on his hat and went to the store

To deal with the shopkeeper, who he really abhorred.

The shop was run by a hyena called Gizzards,

And he had a particular dislike of stately lizards,

He loathed young Nigel with a burning passion

Because the hats he wore were always in fashion.

Nigel was always dressed to the nines

And his trousers never had any tram-lines.

Gizzards, dressed in a dirty grey vest,

Thought Nigel was a fop and an unwanted pest.

“I’d like some cat food, please,” said Nigel politely,

As he strode to the counter looking annoyingly sprightly.

“I’m not selling you cat food, Mr Liz-ard –

You’ll serve it,” said Gizzards, “to Mr Buzz-Ard.”

“Prove to me that The Court has in fact got a feline

Before I put down the shutters at closing time.”

Nigel sighed and walked home, remaining quite calm,

And returned with Lollipop under his arm.

“Here is the moggy,” said Nigel to Gizzards,

“I really don’t know what you’ve got against lizards.

We’re polite and we’re charming – I don’t care what you say –

Now sell me my cat food and I’ll bid you good day.”

No sooner had Nigel returned to The Court

Then Buzz-Ard came to see him, face looking fraught.

He asked Nigel if he would go back to the shop

Because he’s run out of pet food for his dog Gumdrop.

Nigel went back to the shop feeling utterly depressed

At having to see Gizzards again (in his dirty grey vest).

He hated that hyena and wished he would choke

Or at least disappear in a big puff of smoke.

“I’d like some dog food, please,” said Nigel, teeth clenched,

As he strode to the counter looking angry and tense.

Gizzards looked him up and down, then shook his big head,

And then with a smirk he quite deliberately said:

“I won’t sell you dog food – I know you too well –

You’ll serve it up as dinner to Mr Tur-Tel.

Prove to me that The Court has in fact got a canine

Before I bring down the shutters at closing time.”

Nigel grumbled and walked home, again keeping calm,

And returned with Gumdrop under his arm.

He said to the shopkeeper, “Here is the mutt –

Now sell me the dog food, you prejudiced nut.”

The next morning at eight the weather was fine

When Nigel entered the shop without dog or feline.

A box, with a hole in it, was under his arm

And he said, “Put your hand in that orifice,” with his usual charm.

“What for?” asked Gizzards. “Why should I carry out this task?”

“It’s a game,” replied Nigel, “now just do as I ask.”

Put your hand in the box, through the hole in the top,

Then guess what I’ve come here to buy from your shop.”

“Why should I?” said Gizzards. “I mean, why should I care?”

“If you don’t,” replied Nigel, “I’ll just assume that you’re scared.”

Gizzards rolled up his sleeve and gave Nigel a grin,

Then he took a deep breath and plunged his hand in.

“It’s all squishy and squelchy,” the shopkeeper frowned,

And when he pulled out his hand it was all smelly and brown.

“Yeeaarck, it’s full of manure,” the Hyena wheezed.

“I know,” said the lizard. “Two toilet rolls, please.”

Nigel returned to The Court with a smile on his face

And was met by Buzz-Ard when he entered the place.

“What’s that smell?” asked Buzz-Ard. “Ah, manure, I see,

And that whiff of the country has reminded me –

Get on the phone and place me an order

For manure to spread on my hyacinth border.

Speak to Gnu and get him to load up his truck

For a Saturday delivery of his magnificent muck.”

Nigel did what was asked with a spring in his step,

Because tricking the shopkeeper had enlivened his pep.

He looked over The Court, at its stables and lands

And wondered if Gizzards was still washing his hands.

Next week: A Horse, of Course