Creature Features Part 8

Mumbo Jumbo

Jumbo the elephant was an intelligent mammal

Who ran away from home while his owner was in hospital.

He escaped one dark night after breaking his chain

And tramped off up the street in the pouring rain.

He belonged to Gnu, but Gnu soon forgot –

Did he think of his pet? Of course he did not!

He had other things on his mind – that much was true –

Like the elegant car that ran over his shoe.

His foot was throbbing, it was painful and red,

As he lay, feeling grumpy, on the hospital bed.

He was examined, in time, by a rather large nurse

Who only spoke to him in blank verse.

“It appears like,” she said, “your ankle is broken –

I’ll get a doctor to look at it.

Meanwhile, I’ll give you something

To take the pain away.”

A female with the same injury wouldn’t complain –

But Gnu was a male, so was in twice as much pain.

This part of the story is not about Gnu’s minor injury –

It’s about Jumbo the elephant when he ran away free.

When Jumbo escaped he had no clue where to go

And he tramped up and down going to and fro,

Then an idea popped into his head and so he set forth

To visit his relatives up in the North.

He wandered through fields and meadows and dales.

Through rain and sun and sleet and gales.

In all of his travels he didn’t see anyone,

Until he met a snake called Bob, just outside Birmingham.

“Good day to you, sir,” said Bob with a smile,

“It looks like you’ve been travelling for many a mile.”

“I’ve travelled,” said Jumbo, “over river and ford,

And, to be honest, I’m awfully bored.

It was good fun at first, this travelling lark –

I’ve seen all sorts of places – including Hyde Park.

But I’m fed up with it now and my feet are quite weary –

I would never have thought that travelling would be so dreary.”

“If it’s any consolation,” said Bob, “I feel the same,

And as a result I’ve invented a brilliant game.

It’s called virtual snooker – and I’ll give you a bun

If you play it with me on its maiden run.”

“All right,” said Jumbo, “but just so I don’t look a fool

Perhaps you’d been kind enough to go through the rules.”

“They’re simple,” said Bob. “A task you must call

Before nominating your colour of ball.

For instance – if I can jump up and land on that patch of wild rocket

That scores a red in the top right hand pocket.”

“That’s easy,” replied Jumbo, “I was expecting the worst.”

“As it’s my game,” declared Bob, “I get to go first.”

Suspecting that Bob might be a confidence trickster,

Jumbo nervously agreed to go along with this fixture.

He was right to be wary, he was right to suppose,

Especially when he heard what Bob had to propose.

“Here is my task – now listen very carefully –

I’ll slide into your bottom – as you can see I’m quite slippery,

And enter your intestines and into your gut,

But that’s not where I intend to stay put.

I’ll swim up your throat and through all your gunk

Until I come out of the end of your trunk.

Then I’ll shoot out of your trunk and into that lake,

Which will earn me a well-deserved One Four Two break.

But that’s not the end of it – and here is the catch –

If I am successful in winning this match

Then you will be forever my obedient slave –

And if you agree to this challenge you are certainly brave.”

“I’ll do it!” cried Jumbo. “I have no fear –

So get yourself ready and slide into my rear.

Bob got himself set and made himself steady

“Brace yourself Jumbo – I’m just about ready!”

Bob slithered up easily into Jumbo’s back passage

And started his rather unusual voyage.

His first port of call was Jumbo’s intestine,

Which he didn’t emerge from until a quarter past nine.

His journey was taking much longer than planned

As he passed by an enormous pancreas gland.

He noticed the gall bladder – just on his left –

Then entered the stomach and had a quick rest.

After a short, but very welcome, breather

He resumed his odyssey and passed by the liver.

Then he slid quickly through the elephant’s oesophagus,

Past the salivary glands and into the epiglottis.

The next thing was a sea of nasal gunk

Before he saw light at the end of the trunk.

He smiled to himself and thought, what a lark,

But then to his horror everything went dark!

He carried on moving and ended back in the gut –

Precisely the place where he said he wouldn’t stay put.

He was dazed and confused and in a bit of a fix

As he wallowed in a belly full of runny Weetabix.

Jumbo had fooled him – he’d stuck his trunk up his bum

And he hear Bob in his gut calling out for his mum.

“You’re snookered!” cheered Jumbo, “Hip! Hip! Hooray!”

And as far as I know Bob’s still there today.

Meanwhile at the hospital Gnu’s ankle felt better –

The doctor was truly a first class bonesetter –

He wanted Gnu to stay in overnight – just in case –

But all Gnu wanted was to get out of that place.

“I’m not staying here, I’ve a business to run,

Don’t you know who I am – I’m not just anyone.

I’m Mr Gnu – I’m important, you see,

Now sign my release and let me go free.

You can’t keep me here,” Gnu said with insistence.

“I’m releasing myself on my own recognisance!”

He left his sick bed and went out to his truck

That was filled to capacity with his fine smelling muck.

He had an important delivery to make to The Court,

And Time is Money is what he greedily thought.

About Jumbo, his elephant, he did not give a jot

Did he think of him once? Of course he did not!

But Jumbo was happy in his newly found life.

He had no worries or cares or trouble or strife.

His internal organs were sparkling and gleaming,

As Bob gave them each a twice-daily cleaning!

Next week: Argy Bargy at the Barbie