Creature Features Part 6

A Rhino on the Lino

The next night in the Red Lion, Giraffe ordered two drinks

From Benny the bar-owl who was stood at the sink.

He ordered one for himself and one for his friend

Who was none other than Gnu – that well-known fiend.

“Strike a light and knock me down with a feather,”

Said Benny, “I didn’t expect to see you two together –

I thought you’d be enemies forever after last night,

When your dog was beaten by Giraffe’s in that fight.”

“It’s all in the past,” Gnu said,

“And it is a shame that my dog is dead.

But let bygones be bygones, that’s what I say –

Giraffe’s dog was the best at the end of the day.”

“That’s very magnanimous of you, Mr Gnu,

And I hope what you say is perfectly true.

It’s good to be friends,” Giraffe said with a wink,

Unaware that Gnu had just spiked his drink.

The TV in the bar was showing something magnificent –

A wildlife documentary about the African elephant.

The presenter was someone who was awfully thorough –

None other than that nice David Attenborough.

He was explaining in his smooth, velvety voice

Why the elephant was the beast of his choice.

“I keep an elephant,” said Gnu, “on the end of a chain,

Secured to a post, sometimes in the rain.

I keep it like that to show who’s in charge

And I’m not the least bit scared just because it’s so large.”

“Well I have a rhino,” said Giraffe, “and I feed it jelly

While he’s sat on the couch watching the telly.

My kitchen, however is out of bounds to my rhino

Because he’s forever slipping on my ivory lino –

The lounge is much safer, and that’s where he’ll sit,

Unable to slide on my magnolia carpet.”

Then Benny interrupted and said to Gnu,

“I once knew a moose who was exactly like you –

He had a rhino that he treated like dross

In order to show it that he was the boss.”

“But one day the rhino escaped and ran free

And headed off to find a home by the sea.

The moose didn’t care and he soon forgot –

Did he think of his pet? Of course he did not!

But the rhino made his way back to the house,

And climbed up the stairs as quiet as a mouse.

He found the moose upstairs in bed, asleep,

And decided to teach him a lesson – the creep!

The rhino lifted its foot over its ex-master’s head

And brought it down hard until he was dead.

The moose got what he deserved for mistreating his pet.

He should have remembered – rhinos never forget!”

“What are you talking about?” Gnu said with a sneer,

“It seems you’ve been drinking too much of your beer!

It wasn’t a rhino – you dunce – so let me confirm –

The animal you speak of is a pachyderm.

You do it all the time – you’re off your head –

Whenever you mean elephant you say rhino instead!

Do you suffer from some kind of dyslexia?”

“Actually,” said Benny, “I suffer from alexia.”

“That’s word blindness to you, you horrible rotter,

And if you want to write it down I’ll lend you a jotter.

There’s nothing wrong with me – I’m not off my head –

It’s just when I want to say rhino, I say rhino instead!”

By this time Giraffe was feeling quite queer

From the Mickey Finn that Gnu had slipped into his beer.

He tottered and wavered about like a stick –

His stomach was gurgling and he was feeling quite sick.

“Are you sure he’s all right?” Benny asked in alarm.

“He’s fine,” said Gnu. “He’ll come to no harm.

Don’t worry about him – please do not fear –

Just give him a pint of your excellent beer.”

“I hope he’s not driving,” said Benny, showing concern.

“Of course not,” said Gnu, “Look, when will you learn?

The customer is always right – that’s what I think –

Now stop your complaining and pour him a drink.”

Giraffe’s stomach was now feeling terribly dicky –

Unaware Gnu had slipped him a Mickey.

He took one sip from his beer, then made a gurgling sound

Before slumping unconscious onto the ground.

“That’s it,” said Gnu, “I’m off – my job is done.

Revenge is sweet and I’ve had my fun.

I’m going to bed now, early start in the morning,

Delivering manure as the new day is dawning.”

As he walked to the door, Benny gave him a glare.

“Oy!” he called, “You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”

“What are you talking about?” Gnu said with a laugh,

“That’s not a lion – it’s a drunken giraffe!”

Gnu stepped out of the pub and into the rain,

And what happened next caused him a great deal of pain.

He was strode into the road with a swaggering strut

When a car came out of nowhere and ran over his foot.

He was jumping and cursing and yelling and hopping

As the car drove away without even stopping.

The hit-and-run driver drove an elegant machine

That had one previous owner – a mouse called Maureen.

Next week: Some Grub in the Wood

Creature Features Part 5

A Fight in the Night

Two days before Owl had spoken to Ned,

In the Red Lion pub, Gnu – the hothead –

Was sat on his own in the corner of the bar,

Proclaiming that his dog was an absolute star.

The king of manure was a rude sort of fellow –

His customers would never describe him as mellow.

He was also a boaster, a braggart and a cad,

He was obnoxious and surly and really quite bad.

Now Gnu thought his dog was a ferocious creature,

And he knew this was so because he’d been its teacher.

It was taught how to snarl and to growl and to bite,

But most of all Gnu had taught it to fight.

“My dog is a fighter!” Gnu loudly declared,

“And he’s never backed down or even been scared.

He’s the best dog in the world!” he proudly announced,

“He evil and nasty and cannot be trounced!”

Giraffe heaved a sigh as the dreadful Gnu prattled

About how his fierce dog could never be rattled,

So he stood up and said, “Your dog sounds so course,

But I’ve got one at home that can easily beat yours.”

“What rubbish! What rot!” Gnu said with a scowl,

“There’s not a dog in the world that can make my beast cowl.

And though I’ve never seen yours, you long-necked twit,

If you bring it round here my dog will devour it!”

“You’re on,” said Giraffe, “you’ve just made a bet!

I suggest that you find a reliable vet.

My dog’s like no other,” he said with a glare,

“It’s a long-nosed, long-tailed, short-legged terrier.”

“A what?” said Gnu. “I’ve never heard of such a beast –

But no matter, it’ll give mine a well-deserved feast.”

“Don’t be so sure,” Giraffe said with intent,

“Mine was bred on an exotic continent.”

“Well, I called my dog Killer,” said Gnu, and he laughed

Straight into the face of Mr Giraffe.

“It’s a masculine name – not like your dogs’, I fancy.”

“That’s true,” said Giraffe, “because I call mine Nancy.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” said Gnu turning blue,

“And make sure you bring that whatever with you.

We’ll meet here tomorrow – same time and same place

“And I’ll take great pleasure wiping that smile from your face.”

The next night at eight the weather was clear,

And Mr Gnu’s dog was something to fear.

It was snarling and snapping and ready to bite

The other dog it had had been brought here to fight.

But Giraffe’s dog was nowhere to found.

“So, where is this beast of yours?” Mr Gnu frowned.

“I can’t bring her inside,” Mr Giraffe said,

“If I did that everyone here would be dead.”

“She’s far too ferocious and quite unpredictable,

She once even ate a full-sized snooker table.

I must think of the safety of those here at the bar,

So she’s locked in my van – she wouldn’t fit in my car.”

“Let’s waste no more time and get this thing done,”

Said Gnu, “I won’t be happy until my dog has won.”

Mr Giraffe smiled and stood up from his chair

And walked to the door without even a care.

Outside the pub it was sombre and dark –

The van was stood in the corner of the gloomy car park.

“Let’s do it!” said Gnu. “Release your dog from that vehicle.”

(Which in the gloom of the car park was the colour of treacle).

“I can’t let her loose! I can’t set her free!”

Said Giraffe. “She’s far too ferocious, you see.

Put Killer in the van and we’ll see who’s the winner,

But I warn you – Nancy’s not had her dinner.”

Gnu thought about this and then said, “It’s a deal,

But it’s your dog that’s going to end up as a meal.”

“Right then,” said Giraffe, opening the door just a crack,

“Be quick! Throw that dog of yours into the back!”

The door slammed shut as Killer went in

And what followed next was an almighty din.

Barking and growling and a deafening riot

Was followed by a CRUNCH! Then everything went quiet.

Giraffe opened the door of the van just a bit

So the winner of the fight could make its exit.

“It’s Killer,” cried Gnu. “That means your dog’s dead!”

But then he noticed that Killer was missing his head.

“Oh no!” cried Gnu, feeling terribly deflated.

“Oh yes!” said Giraffe. “Your dog is decimated!”

With a choking cry Gnu looked down at Killer’s lead

And sobbed, “Your dog – what was the breed?”

“Nancy is a long-nosed, long-tailed, short-legged terrier,”

Said Giraffe, his voice sounding merrier and merrier.

“She’s from Africa, from somewhere near the Nile,

But the natives call her – I think – a crocodile!”

Next week: A Rhino on the Lino