Mumbo Jumbo
Jumbo the elephant was an
intelligent mammal
Who ran away from home
while his owner was in hospital.
He escaped one dark night
after breaking his chain
And tramped off up the
street in the pouring rain.
He belonged to Gnu, but
Gnu soon forgot –
Did he think of his pet?
Of course he did not!
He had other things on
his mind – that much was true –
Like the elegant car that
ran over his shoe.
His foot was throbbing,
it was painful and red,
As he lay, feeling
grumpy, on the hospital bed.
He was examined, in time,
by a rather large nurse
Who only spoke to him in
blank verse.
“It appears like,” she
said, “your ankle is broken –
I’ll get a doctor to look
at it.
Meanwhile, I’ll give you
something
To take the pain away.”
A female with the same injury
wouldn’t complain –
But Gnu was a male, so
was in twice as much pain.
This part of the story is
not about Gnu’s minor injury –
It’s about Jumbo the
elephant when he ran away free.
When Jumbo escaped he had
no clue where to go
And he tramped up and down
going to and fro,
Then an idea popped into
his head and so he set forth
To visit his relatives up
in the North.
He wandered through
fields and meadows and dales.
Through rain and sun and
sleet and gales.
In all of his travels he
didn’t see anyone,
Until he met a snake
called Bob, just outside Birmingham.
“Good day to you, sir,”
said Bob with a smile,
“It looks like you’ve
been travelling for many a mile.”
“I’ve travelled,” said
Jumbo, “over river and ford,
And, to be honest, I’m
awfully bored.
It was good fun at first,
this travelling lark –
I’ve seen all sorts of
places – including Hyde Park.
But I’m fed up with it
now and my feet are quite weary –
I would never have
thought that travelling would be so dreary.”
“If it’s any
consolation,” said Bob, “I feel the same,
And as a result I’ve
invented a brilliant game.
It’s called virtual
snooker – and I’ll give you a bun
If you play it with me on
its maiden run.”
“All right,” said Jumbo,
“but just so I don’t look a fool
Perhaps you’d been kind
enough to go through the rules.”
“They’re simple,” said
Bob. “A task you must call
Before nominating your
colour of ball.
For instance – if I can
jump up and land on that patch of wild rocket
That scores a red in the
top right hand pocket.”
“That’s easy,” replied
Jumbo, “I was expecting the worst.”
“As it’s my game,”
declared Bob, “I get to go first.”
Suspecting that Bob might
be a confidence trickster,
Jumbo nervously agreed to
go along with this fixture.
He was right to be wary,
he was right to suppose,
Especially when he heard
what Bob had to propose.
“Here is my task – now
listen very carefully –
I’ll slide into your
bottom – as you can see I’m quite slippery,
And enter your intestines
and into your gut,
But that’s not where I
intend to stay put.
I’ll swim up your throat
and through all your gunk
Until I come out of the
end of your trunk.
Then I’ll shoot out of
your trunk and into that lake,
Which will earn me a
well-deserved One Four Two break.
But that’s not the end of
it – and here is the catch –
If I am successful in
winning this match
Then you will be forever
my obedient slave –
And if you agree to this
challenge you are certainly brave.”
“I’ll do it!” cried
Jumbo. “I have no fear –
So get yourself ready and
slide into my rear.
Bob got himself set and made
himself steady
“Brace yourself Jumbo –
I’m just about ready!”
Bob slithered up easily
into Jumbo’s back passage
And started his rather
unusual voyage.
His first port of call
was Jumbo’s intestine,
Which he didn’t emerge
from until a quarter past nine.
His journey was taking
much longer than planned
As he passed by an
enormous pancreas gland.
He noticed the gall
bladder – just on his left –
Then entered the stomach
and had a quick rest.
After a short, but very
welcome, breather
He resumed his odyssey
and passed by the liver.
Then he slid quickly
through the elephant’s oesophagus,
Past the salivary glands
and into the epiglottis.
The next thing was a sea
of nasal gunk
Before he saw light at
the end of the trunk.
He smiled to himself and
thought, what a lark,
But then to his horror
everything went dark!
He carried on moving and
ended back in the gut –
Precisely the place where
he said he wouldn’t stay put.
He was dazed and confused
and in a bit of a fix
As he wallowed in a belly
full of runny Weetabix.
Jumbo had fooled him –
he’d stuck his trunk up his bum
And he hear Bob in his
gut calling out for his mum.
“You’re snookered!”
cheered Jumbo, “Hip! Hip! Hooray!”
And as far as I know
Bob’s still there today.
Meanwhile at the hospital
Gnu’s ankle felt better –
The doctor was truly a
first class bonesetter –
He wanted Gnu to stay in
overnight – just in case –
But all Gnu wanted was to
get out of that place.
“I’m not staying here,
I’ve a business to run,
Don’t you know who I am –
I’m not just anyone.
I’m Mr Gnu – I’m
important, you see,
Now sign my release and
let me go free.
You can’t keep me here,”
Gnu said with insistence.
“I’m releasing myself on
my own recognisance!”
He left his sick bed and
went out to his truck
That was filled to
capacity with his fine smelling muck.
He had an important
delivery to make to The Court,
And Time is Money is what he greedily thought.
About Jumbo, his
elephant, he did not give a jot
Did he think of him once?
Of course he did not!
But Jumbo was happy in
his newly found life.
He had no worries or
cares or trouble or strife.
His internal organs were
sparkling and gleaming,
As Bob gave them each a
twice-daily cleaning!
Next week: Argy Bargy at the Barbie
